How Relapse Is Not A Sign Of Failure
Cooper grew up without seeing his mom and dad together because they grew apart before he was born. He was passed back and forth between his parents and he began to feel like he did not belong.
When he was getting shipped off to moms she had another family to take care of and the same when he was shipped off to dads. Cooper did not feel important to his parents because they both had families and it was hard for them to find time for him, so he started to rebel.
Cooper had many friends but the feelings of unhappiness, misery and frustration wouldn’t leave him alone. He fought hard for happiness but he couldn’t ever seem to find it. That was until he found drugs and alcohol.
“Those feelings of not being wanted went away as soon as I got high or drunk or whatever. I did not have to worry about that anymore,” Cooper said.
In no time drugs and alcohol became a necessity to Cooper, you wouldn’t find him going without. He was so attached to the substances he got kicked out of school and his parents’ house.
“When I got kicked out of my parents’ house you know that’s when things really took off and I started doing like ecstasy, coke, mushrooms, acid, just like anything I could get my hands on really.”
With nowhere to go, drugs took high importance in his life. If he wasn’t high, he was seeking money to get high and it was never enough. He fell in love with the feeling. It wasn’t something he just wanted anymore. He needed it.
His need started to worry his friends. Cooper and a few buddies were drinking one night and they were all drunk and were about to slow down. Cooper did not understand because there was still more alcohol left. He asked himself, “why are they stopping?” The thought only lasted a few minutes and he was back to drinking, even if that meant drinking alone.
“I literally used to drink until I physically couldn’t anymore.”
One night he decided alcohol was not enough. He needed more to fill the void he had in his heart. He looked for something to fill the void and nothing seemed to work. Then he found Heroin. He jumped right into using heroin, it was just there one night. Things got bad quickly and he tried to hide it.
However, he began to look so unhealthy there was nothing he could do to hide it. Weighing 120 pounds Cooper wound up homeless. No one wanted him around. Not his friends or his family. So, he decided to go to rehab.
“You know I didn’t go to rehab for the first time to get sober, I went because it was a place to stay for 30 days and my parents would pay for it and maybe you know it would get me back into their good graces.”
After rehabilitation, he went into a half-way house and was involved in a 12-step program for two or three months but wasn’t sober. He was still getting drunk here and there. He wasn’t working the program to the best of his ability. Cooper was doing the bare minimum and skipped all the parts that made him feel uncomfortable.
Because he wasn’t working the 12-step program to the best of his ability, he went back to using and drinking. His intentions were just smoking weed and drinking but within hours he was back to Heroin.
His parents wouldn’t accept him back into their home unless he was sober so he decided to move in with his dealer. He was living with prostitutes, drug addicts and people he thought were the lowest of the low. Then, reality hit and he realized he was just as low as them.
So, he tried working a 12-step program again. He went into detox and got into another halfway house where he was not doing what he was told and within two or three months, due to the disease of addiction, he was back to Heroin.
“That was when I realized I maybe do have a problem. I can’t just have two beers, I can’t just do a little bit, if there is more I am going to do it until it is all gone or until I am able to stand up to get more.”
Cooper used to be the guy who was in and out of 12-step meetings, he never paid attention or took suggestion from others. Today, he gives this 12-step program his all.
“In order for this program to work you have to be willing to do as much as you were willing to do to get high to stay sober.”
He was so committed to this program he would walk five or six miles just to get to a meeting. He finally accepted a Higher Power in his life and gave his willpower over to that Higher Power, Cooper believes his life has never been better.
“You can’t put into words how actually amazing this fellowship and life could be.”